This is a journal I wrote the day after my youngest daughter was born. While it’s not a smoothly constructed composition, it is my thoughts jotted down during the most frightening time of my life. I thank God she is perfectly healthy child today. A dear friend of mine always referred to her as , “Our miracle baby.” He loved her so much.
—Feb 10, 2010–
I haven’t allowed myself to cry yet. I had happy tears when she was born. Within minutes fear overtook me. I had just seen her in the regular nursery through glass. I strolled happily down the hall again with my oldest daughters, but the blind was now shut with frantic movement from 5 or more people. Other people were running in. They were right over where she was. Fortunately my oldest girls didn’t see. I told them to run down to see their mom.
I didn’t see that it was my baby they were scurrying around but I knew it was. A nurse came out with a baby and headed down the hall. Maybe it wasn’t my newborn in distress. I followed behind the nurse to see if she headed to my wife’s delivery room. She didn’t. I then turned down and looked back toward the nursery only to see a big aquarium looking thing with a baby in it being pushed frantically out of there. I feared that was my baby. I wasn’t close enough to see. “Please don’t be my baby ” I’m thinking. WHAT? Did I just wish something was wrong with someone else’s baby? How messed up and selfish is that?
My wife didn’t know what was going on. The last time she talked to me I had just seen our happy baby. I was taking our daughters to see their new sister.
Well that’s how it unfolded Tuesday night. After waiting wondering if it was our baby, I got to see our regular doctor who was arriving for her shift. I told her what was going on. She used her back door key to recon for me and came back and told me it was indeed my brand new baby girl. My daughters almost caught me crying during our prayer tonight. I told my eyes were dry from the cold. I can’t break.
I gotta be the positive spin guy. I’m so very scared. I hope the positives I’m selling them will all be true. I’m so very scared. I really want to cry a bit.
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